Well, a couple days back I noticed some symptoms I hadn’t experienced in around two
years. Holding a conversation was beginning to consistently get difficult. My husband
would talk and I just couldn’t focus. I’d lose track of the conversation halfway through
and be confused. I also noticed that when I’d try to talk, I couldn’t complete full
sentences. I’d get halfway through the sentence and be unable to finish it.

Additionally, I was starting to notice small things in my game play online. I’ve always
considered myself articulate and writing has always come naturally to me. I’ve never
had to put much thought into spelling words or grammar. But, increasingly, I noticed
myself butchering the English word. And it’s not so much mis-spelling so much as
inadvertently typing out words that have no belonging in the sentence. For instance,
I’d mean to write “I’ve got to hand it to you” but it’d come out like “I’ve got to head it
to you.” It sounds innocuous enough, but it’s something that really bugs me. I know my
friends know what I mean but it still aggravates me.

Not only that, but around the house, I can’t seem to focus to save my life. I’ll have two
or three things to do. And I’ll go from one to the next and bounce back and forth and not
get anything done at all on any of them. It’s like being in a very thick mental fog.

My mood deteriorated to a degree yesterday that was much worse than my worst
‘episodes’ sans bipolar stuff going on. Sitting in the bath tub, I cried this morning for
absolutely no reason at all.

But…

I woke up this morning and realized what was going on. After two years of coasting
along without any major episodes, I’m starting to slip into another of my depressive
episodes.

A lot of the key signs, including feeling ‘physically depressed’ are there. I’m glad to say
that it only took me a couple days to figure out what the problem was (as opposed to
any where from weeks to months in prior episodes.)

And that saying ‘Knowing is half the battle’ is so very true. Now that I know why I’m
experiencing this mental flagging, I can put my best foot forward and fight it like a
wildcat.

I don’t want to be depressed and I don’t want to be impaired… not just for my sake, but
for the people I love and care about.

Note to my bipolar illness: You’re not going to crash me like you did last time. Oh no, sirree!
I am going to fight this time and you’re not going to stay as long as you did last time.. not
if I can help it!

Part 1: Diagnosis

So that my readers understand more so where I’m coming from, I figured it would be a good idea to provide a run-down on the mental illnesses I’ve been diagnosed with and struggle with on a daily basis.

I was depressive back when I was 8, but it wasn’t until I was about 16 that I started showing signs of manic depression. My moods bounced back and forth without warning, from one extreme to the next. I was officially diagnosed with bipolar back then.

Fast forward several years to the birth of my second daughter. I was suffering from postpartum depression and my OB doctor decided I needed to be put on antidepressants to alleviate it. Well, as it turns out, that was the worst thing he could’ve done! Bipolar 2 patient + anti-depressants = trouble.

The anti-depressants effectively locked my brain down into a ‘depression mode’. I stayed stuck in this depression mode for a few years, declining to the point where I was barely functioning at a normal level.

Eventually, after much prodding from my husband and eventually realizing just how badly depressed I was, I went on a hunt for a psychiatrist to wean me off the anti-depressants which were clearly doing me no good and only making my condition worse.

The first psych refused to wean me off the anti-depressants and instead wanted to shove more pills down my throat. I left her office feeling discouraged. Several months passed before I decided to resume my hunt for a medical professional’s intervention. This time, I got lucky and found an experienced neuropsychiatrist.

After much testing, it was determined that not only was I suffering from bipolar 2, but also clinical depression and borderline personality. This new psychiatrist suggested weaning me off the anti-depressants as clearly I should’ve never been put on them in the first place, and getting me off of them was the first step in getting me better.

So, I was weaned off of them (that’s an entirely different story of and in itself) and was then placed on mood stabilizers. For patients with bipolar 2, mood stabilizers are the med of choice, instead of anti-depressants.

I no longer take the mood stabilizers, but when I did, they effectively helped balanced my moods out. Now, my moods remain steady and stable without the medication. I’ve also been diagnosed with general anxiety which I take medication regularly to control.

It hasn’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I have exhibited some minor OCD symptoms, so that’s something I also deal with, albeit on a lesser scale than my other disorders. It’s also something I’ve discussed with my psych.

I am very slowly getting better and I can honestly say I’m not ashamed of how I am. I don’t like being this way, but I’m proud that I’ve been able to weather an illness that very nearly claimed my life. I, like anyone, have my issues. A lot of people can be quite crass and dismiss depression as something you can just ‘snap out of’. Some people even look down on people with maladies like depression and anxiety. Those people are going to think what they’re going to think no matter what anyone says.

I’ve reached rock bottom and survived where others have succumbed to their depression. And I want others to understand that there is hope. And if you’re a sufferer of any mental illness or someone who loves someone who’s mentally ill, you are NOT alone!

If you take nothing else away from reading my blog, I hope that this one thought remains with you.. The world can seem so incredibly bleak and dark at times, but no matter how bad it seems, there is always something to live for, even if it doesn’t seem like it!

Hello, Junkpile.

My first tip in this column comes from years of annoyance and disorganization.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found my computer’s desktop over-run
with files I really wanted to keep but was not in the mood to deal with sorting.

It would make sense to have folders allotted for different things, of course, but
some times, we just don’t want to fuss with taking the time to sort stuff out.

So, the solution for me was creating a folder on my desktop which I aptly titled The Junkpile.

I divert all files I know that I want to keep but am too lazy to sort out into it. Doesn’t
seem like much, but I’ve noticed it’s really helped me keep my desktop clean.

Some would argue it’s like sweeping dirt under the rug, but to me — it’s nice having the files
in an easy-to-access spot and out of the way until I get up the gumption to situate them
for good.

I took a couple of pictures my Mom had taken of snow-covered woods in Germany
where she lives (Thanks, Mom!) I added a picture of me (gray-toned it first), added
in the blog title, a separating line, and then a sub-title and voila — shiny, new header!

It’s funny how these graphics seem to come together almost of their own accord
after fussing with them for twenty minutes.

If you’d like to see a tutorial of how this header was created, comment on this post
and let me know!

I’ve seen mild snippets of success and dismal, dark failures. I’ve been called
a scammer by an irate, unkind woman and praised by others for my honesty
and willingness to go that extra several miles.

During the last six years, as I’ve eluded to before, I’ve struggled with a severe
depression that threatened to kill my business, my marriage, and my life. I’ve
reached lows that some people never bounce back from.

I lost myself somewhere during that time and my desire to work online found itself
lost too. I’ve let all of my online ventures peter out. I’ve done a less than stellar
job of keeping up with people and commitments. I have a lot of regrets about how
things have unfolded, but alas, hindsight’s 20-20 and there’s nothing I can do to
change the past.

I’m not going to come on here and proclaim that ‘I’m back!’ Because, quite honestly,
I’m not the same person I was six years ago and I don’t have the same ambitions.

Some sites I kept up will be going down. I will be focusing less on the online marketing
world and more on sharing what I know and sharing the things in my life that I care
about.

I’ve had a huge writer’s block for so long and it seems to be lifting. I think part of the
lifting is due to my acknowledgment of certain shortcomings and understanding that I
need to do things a different way.

So, bottom line, I will be keeping up with this blog a whole lot. Sometimes, I’ll delve a
little into product creation, writing, and stuff that delves into online marketing. But I
will also be writing a WHOLE lot about my kids and life in general.

It’s been a long, tumultuous six years and I’m very slowly climbing out of the hole I
dug myself into. I’m looking forward to breathing some life back into this blog.